TEEN PATHWAYS
with Cheri Peters
Hi! Hey you guys!
How are you?
We're all right. How about yourself?
Cool!
I don't even know if you want to sit down
The topic today is "ANGER"
And so...
The topic today is "anger",
so I wanna say welcome to "Teen Pathways"
And before we start again,
we have people from all-over the country
that I've met in various places, that have various backgrounds
that have something to bring.
So, I want to introduce everybody
Can we start with you?
Yeah. My name is Tim Blackburn
and I'm from Eagle, Idaho
and... I guess that's just me
and where I'm from
My name is Gavin Sailsbery,
and I'm from Yakima, Washington
and a little something about myself is
"I only buy it sometimes"
Just take it away!
My name is Patrick Earl and I'm from Salmon, Idaho
and I'm ready to do this
I'm Jessica Anguiano.
I'm from Texas and I've just recently moved to Frankton.
My name is Lori Sproat and I'm from Eagle, Idaho
and I have a lot of fun doing this
...meeting new people
My name is Carla Weich and I'm from Canada
and I just hope that we can do this
Canada? That's great!
It's all right. So, anger... I would say that
That is the hardest thing that I ever doubt with
For first, break in denial on my anger
It's like I had all of this stuff and I was a drug addict
and my family were addicts and everybody was a mess
I met God and I tried to do the right thing
I just was total in denial about how much rage and anger I had
Before we get into what fixes it what helps us
I wanna know from each of you, if it's ok, what did your anger
look like and where did you think it came from?
Does anybody wanna start with that?
My anger was more of...
it came from not having a dad
to be there, because he was sued
our family was falling apart
and that's what made me angry.
It stored up inside of me, it hurt me and so,
it just build up and...
So, before you got sued, before that happened,
what was your family like?
We'd do things together, we'd go and walk together
we'd go out to eat together we'd...
we'd sit around at the table, make jokes, have fun
We'd be a family.
But now, it would be this group over here
and this group over here
and we were broken up and that hurt me
Because I want to be a family
I totally agree with that.
Because my family was...
kind of broken up as well, cause my family was
drug addicts and smokers and stuff
and I grew up not having a family around
I only had one parent
My real dad died, because he drowned
Was he high when he drowned?
Yes.
And he... he didn't really know how to swim
He was with his buddies, just drinking and he drowned.
I just never realized I was so angry for
what my mom did and how she treated me, that
I totally blew on my adoptive parents
You were real young when your dad died
and you ended up in adoption
You ended up in another placement
I was actually...
I switched to 7 or 8 different homes to find a real one
that could take care of me
and love me as much as all the love that I missed
It's like... What did I do to deserve this?
Why am I getting this? I don't deserve this.
I deserve a family. I deserve to be loved.
and if you're gonna give me this then I'm gonna give you anger
Exactly! And that's from a kid
That's from a kid saying: 'This is not fair. This is not right.'
So what you're saying is that all of a sudden you realize that
'I don't deserve this and this is really making me angry. '
So, listening to you talk, Carla
I was always getting angry from listening to you talk.
How old were you when you went into placement?
I was 4 years old when I got adopted.
Wow!
So, anybody else... anger... What does yours look like?
My anger came from being depressed a lot
and I'd brush things off I'd store things inside
until one day I'd explode
and everything would just come flying out
If the littlest things would make mad I'd just brush them and
put'em inside, put'em inside, put'em inside and...
finally, you know, someday,
every six months, pop! Everything would just come out
I would just explode
It's like you'd have all this anger
and little things hit you
and you just take them and store them inside of you
and then pretty soon you just get so stressed and it's so hard
that you finally say
This is too much. I can't do it. And you just blow
And then you hurt somebody, you hurt some animal
you hurt someone like me
You hurt'em physically, You hurt'em spiritually
and some times emotionally
'I'll give it to you cause that's what you deserve. '
'That's what I got, this is what you deserve'
You see, that was my thing too
If somebody would get mad at me
or I'd get aggravated at something
I wouldn't hold it.
I'd go right along and take it to somebody else
I wouldn't wait for it to build up.
but mine was never a physical
it was always a bit verbal
I mean, I could pinpoint what hurt a person
what their deeper fear was
and I could find it, and I would know every single time
and I could hit it, and hit it, and hit it, and hit it
and say something that would hurt you so bad
that you couldn't of been mad enough to fight me
You could have been so aggravated
I could have dragged you down to the depths of despair
And I did that. And most of the time
I winded up doing it to my family, cause they were
the convenient ones around who wouldn't fight back
and they couldn't. And they still love you.
And they still loved me.
And that was my saving grace - their forgiveness.
So, that's what your anger looked like.
Where did it come from? Where did that much anger come from?
I can't say that it was from my mother
because I have the best mother in the whole wide world
and I hope she's watching. Hi mom!
That's sweet, Gavin.
My step father...
we didn't get along very well for the time I was growing up
I lived with him for about twelve years
and I had a hard time with some of it
because we weren't really accepted into the church
They'd have church barbecues or something and they just
wouldn't invite us kids.
For a long time, that really bugged me and I
I wouldn't tell them,
because that would lead back on my parents
And so, finally, my mom divorced this guy and left the church
and a man named Pat Thrupe took care of me
so he's the most kind and wonderful man on Earth
He taught me how to deal with it and then I could finally admit
that I had anger and then I could finally let it go.
He'd sit there and listen to me.
And that's where I finally put it all
I wouldn't accept the way they were accepting me
I wouldn't settle for that.
Again, it sounds like a kind of 'It wasn't fair'
No, it wasn't fair.
I think all anger comes from not being fair.
'They did that to me and I didn't deserve it' or
'They took that from me and I didn't deserve that'
Or not having a relationship with someone that you want
It wasn't fair.
Like with your family or someone
It wasn't your fault that it happened
How about Jessica. How about you?
My family was...
My mom and my dad have always loved me.
With my parents I've never had a problem.
But, I was never really close to my sisters until now, because
when I was growing up, most of them were married
or they were too old to hang out with
So, I'd always be with my friends in the street.
I don't know. I guess it was just being without my sisters
and my brother being the only guy in the family
and me being the youngest, especially
Whenever something happened in the family or something I'd just
hold it inside.
And now, a lot of things have gone on
being gotten hold of the wrong crowd
And I was not even funny.
I saw so many things go on that after a while I didn't care.
So, once you jumped out into that crowd,
then you learned a lot about anger
and that kind of "really out-there anger".
Yeah.
And I blew it on anybody
mostly on my sister, and I feel sorry for her
for having to put out with me.
And now that I'm here,
I just feel bad
I see your point.
I never put out anger and not feel sorry for it.
I've always felt bad, every time.
Even if it was something minute
I know I did it.
Maybe I wouldn't even admit it to you
to anybody who asked, to my parents.
I wouldn't admit it to God
But I was sorry for it.
It didn't mean I could change it
It didn't always mean I said I was sorry, but I was.
Most of the anger comes out in the family area
It comes around at the friends and other things
but it's mostly in the family.
It also comes off on other people around you.
If you're a certain kind of person like me,
it came off on animals, I'd hurt animals
or I'd hurt my little brother because he was aggravating me.
It was like: 'You want it, I'll give it to you. '
It was just that kind of thing.
Sometimes you don't feel sorry for anger.
For me personally, I didn't feel sorry for my anger.
I held a lot of resentment and I didn't feel sorry for anything
for any thought that crossed my mind
about something that I would do to somebody.
I never felt that kind of pain for anybody else,
because I figured
'All the stuff that they have done to me,
they'd deserve anything that I would give them. '
So, what have they done to you?
I was abused sexually, verbally, emotionally and physically
and I hung out in the wrong crowd
I got involved with gangs and with drugs
but that was part of my anger too.
It was just 'To let off steam just go and do the drugs. '
Everything build up more and more.
My adoptive mom - because I was adopted too, that brought on
a lot of anger later on in my life.
My adoptive mom got cancer and suddenly died.
I'd always said that we hated each other at the time, because
I was in my early teens and you go through that stage
when you are like that.
We didn't get along and I said I hated her
and she didn't really approved of anything I did
and we didn't have a very good relationship at all.
There were too many boundaries, barriers that have been
torn down because of abuse and stuff like that
and things that went on at home.
I just got so angry that I didn't even care what
I did to anyone anymore, or to myself.
I heard you talk one time
and you said that sometimes you would even laugh.
Yeah.
You were like: 'It's no big deal. '
Anybody relate to that if sometimes you would just see you
hurt yourself and then anyway just laugh.
Sometimes it took a while to realize that I did something.
Yeah. It usually took a while for me.
Sometimes I would blow it off.
I was sorry, but I'd blow it up, it wasn't that important.
It was something minor, nobody died.
You feel bad about what you've done.
If you'd let your anger out and you'd hurt someone
then it comes back as anger after that hurt
because you just store it back up.
It's like a cycle.
You pick it up.
You gotta get rid of it right then and there.
You gotta talk to somebody.
You gotta tell someone how you're feeling.
You don't put it back into your system
so it gets stored in there and it just blows.
I wanna say something.
Patrick, just a little bit that I know you,
I don't see you as that.
Did something happen?
How did you deal with your anger?
I went to a facility in Garden Valley, Idaho
called "Project Patch".
It's a facility for kids that have problems
to bring out their real selves,
to get rid of depression and anger, help them understand
that they can be loved and that there's someone up there
who loves you, and His name is God.
You are special.
People can care for you and you can care for other people.
Was it hard to believe that God loved you, when you knew
the stuff you did to yourself and to your animals
and to your brother
Was it hard for you to buy the fact that God loves you?
Yeah.
Sometimes I was just angry at God but I knew that He loved me
even when I was doing those things.
But He also kept teaching me there that He loves us
no matter what we do.
He feels sad when we do it, but He loves us and He cares for us.
And we may hurt Him, but He still loves us.
It sounds like "Project Patch" really helped you a lot.
Yes, it did.
It really made a big change in my life.
It really changed me into a different kind of person
and showed my real self and who I really am.
Isn't that funny?
Cause, I thought I was the self that was messed up.
So, you're saying that that's not true.
No.
Anybody else?
Carla did you get a patch?
Yes, I did.
I've been there for a year and six months.
It showed me that
I don't really have to take it out on other people.
Like anger and my frustrations on humans.
Because I used to yell and scream
when I was going mad.
I used to scream at people
It showed me that there are people that care
and that I don't have to treat people how I want
but I should at least respect that they're humans
and not dogs or some animal or something
that I should at least think that God's people
are my friends and I should treat them with respect.
It sounds like you learned a lot from "Project Patch".
I have to say that I was lucky enough to go visit there once
and "Project Patch" is a treatment facility in Idaho.
There's people from all over the United States, I thought
but you're from Canada, so it's from all over the place
and they come to learn different things
and what I liked about what they did the day that I was there,
is that I watched them run groups on how to do a thing or
how to accept yourself, how to learn respect.
Why should I deal with my anger, if I don't have respect for
the people around me?
And I was really proud of them for what they offered you guys
I was really proud of the kids there or the teens there
for the amount of work.
Who doesn't know that learning a different way to handle things
is a lot of work.
Oh, boy.
It's a bunch.
It's really hard to learn different ways.
For me it was...
When I first got there,
I was like: 'What ways can I learn?'
I only learned one or two ways and I was like 'Wow!'
And next you take it out on a person.
'You're gonna get this and this is how I vent my anger
so I'm gonna get it on you, I'm gonna turn on you
and I'm gonna hurt you. '
My problem was just that I was angry and I didn't care
about if they liked it or not.
That was the whole point.
I didn't care if it hurt them.
That's what I was aiming for.
To take my hurt and vent it on X person as hard and as fast
and as viciously as I could
And I was good at it. I was really good at it.
It's amazing to me, as I've met people that do it that way,
the way you were talking about
They're in somebody's face either verbally or physically
like what you were saying too, Patrick.
Or, they don't care.
It's all this different ways.
But I've seen people actually to start cutting on themselves too.
'I've got to, somehow, make myself feel better'
I wanna ask another question.
Does anybody know what the Bible says about anger?
Is there any script or reference to anger in the Bible?
Actually, yes.
Oh, so we have tons. Good!
Because I think that what happened to me is when I learned
What does God say about anger?
I mean, does He even talk about it?
Does He even admit it?
So, Lori, will you start?
Yeah.
The one I have is Matthew 5, versus 21 and 22
It says: "You have heard that it was said to the people long ago
Do not murder and anyone who murders
will be subject to judgment.
But I tell you, that anyone who is angry with his brother
will be subject to judgment.
Again, anyone who says to his brother
'Raca' is answerable to the Sanhedrin
But anyone who says, 'You fool!'
will be in danger of the fire of hell. "
That's amazing!
Anyone who says 'You fool!' will be in danger of the hell fires.
And I think, how many times have I called somebody like
'You're so stupid' or all that kind of stuff
and what surprised me is that God was saying
this is a big deal, we need to check ourselves.
That helped me to realize that it was a big deal.
Do you have something Tim?
Yeah.
In Proverbs 29, 11
"A fool uttereth all his mind,
but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards. "
Ok. So, does that make sense?
King James is a hard one.
And I love King James, because I think it sounds so cool.
But does anybody have that verse in another version?
I do.
Can we get at Proverbs 29, 11?
"A fool gives full vent to his anger,
but a wise man keeps himself under control. "
So, that's pretty much:
Someone who's wise they'll give it to you
The other guy is like: ' I'm gonna get you good. '
One does it the right way
and the other one does it the wrong way
and then someone hurts someone
or someone keeps their feelings safe.
When I hear that, I think that some people tell you that
to turn the other chick and to just walk away
and it takes a bigger man or woman
to turn and walk away from this situation
from the verbal argument or from the physical argument.
It's a lot harder. It really is.
But if you are able to just turn and walk away,
I think that's kind of what this verse says.
Because, you see, He gave us a wise man.
And how many people classify themselves as wise?
Not many.
It is hard. It is an accomplishment.
It is something to be proud of if you accomplish it.
And I think that's kind of uplifting, because
now, that I finally have a vent on my anger
hearing something like that it's uplifting going
It's like a path on the back from God.
In a verbal sort of way.
Has everybody here gone from being angry and act enough
to finding God?
Have you found God, Gavin?
I have, to some extent.
Although, I'm still not perfect.
But I've got quite a bit more control on it.
Even if I do get mad, I go for a walk
go draw or something, anything to keep me from...
Because I would tear somebody to shreds.
So you're saying that because it was such a habit
it's really tough for you to say
' I am choosing to do what God is leading me to do
but it's a habit, it's hard. '
But it wasn't once every six months or once a week
or once a year
It was like 20-30 times a day.
Everybody I'd run into, who displeased me
or I wasn't happy with or I wasn't content after something
they were getting it.
That was weird.
Anybody else have a text that they wanna share?
Go ahead, Carla.
This is Proverbs 29, 8
"Mockers stir up a city, but wise men turn away anger. "
And to me that's like
somebody trying to control their anger and not trying to blow up
that's what other people are doing to other people
or even to themselves.
It's really nice that God is there for everybody
You know what's funny about that text to me?
Is that I have been around folks or people that were coming
and the whole group was kind of peaceful
and we were laughing about different things
and pretty soon everybody is angry
and it's one person that would say:
' Did you see the way someone said that? '
' Were they kind of putting you down? '
And all of a sudden you think
' Well, maybe they were putting me down. '
One person can change the whole mood.
I think that's what it says, that a fool would come in
and do all that dissension.
A fool would come in and get everybody going.
And Gavin, you said that one time
you knew exactly how to do that.
And there's some damage,
because I work with some kids from abused homes
and they're 2 and 3 years old
and they know exactly how to nail you
Pretty soon you're mad at this little kid and you think
' What happened? '
And it's a defense thing. They know how to do that.
And I think it says that that's an easy thing to do
but it definitely is not a wise thing to do.
No.
So, you've got one Gavin?
Actually I have one covering the anger of speech
It's in Colossians, chapter 3, verse 8
It says: " But now ye also put off all these
anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication
out of your mouth. "
That's kind of powerful.
You're going: ' That is really wrong! '
It's like that one that I believe you had Lori.
The one where a fool...
They all tie in.
It's powerful.
God knows what He's doing up there.
Oh boy, oh boy!
We sometimes don't know what we're doing but we think
that depending on what kind of environment you grow up in
you learn to react in that way.
Like if you are abused, you learn to react in an abusive way
So in order to make up for everything they've ever done
to you, you rush out at the next person that comes along,
like Gavin was saying.
You just take it out verbally or physically or however was
that you were taught in your environment
or however was you picked it up.
I like the idea that... Sometimes I think that
I'm gonna be able to get well just by thinking of it on my own
So my mind is so messed up and I'm thinking
' How did I figure this out?'
It's such a silly thing.
God would tell me: ' Cheri, I love you,
and I do think you're bright but you can't figure this out.
If you could have, you would have changed. '
And so, I was surprised when I read the Bible
and started seeing that it actually talks about anger
It talks about ways to think about it, to explore it.
Ways that are going to help you understand
' Why is it that I need to put energy in the change? '
What do you guys think?
Is it energy, to change? I mean, does it work?
It's a lot of it.
You definitely have to try.
It's not just like: ' I'm sorry! '
You just wake up one morning and you're gonna be perfect.
I think that it's more about wanting to change.
You can't do it through yourself
You can't do it for somebody else either.
If you ask for God's help, He can help you in a lot of ways
You can do a lot of things, only that you have to want to.
If you don't want to do something
nothing's gonna change.
When I got angry, things that would help me...
When I got angry, I went to a person, the person that hurt me
and I talked to that person, and said:
' This is what you did, and you hurt me
and we need to make this up before something bad happens
before this builds up inside of us and explodes. '
And that's something that helped me
Or going for a walk in the woods, or praying to God,
or talking to Him just like to a friend
' I'm having some trouble God, I need some help. '
Or going to the person and tell him that I need help.
Talking to God is a really good way
But sometimes I would take
whatever problem it was I was having with a particular person
I would take it out on God, and then
I'd move that anger to God,
because He was the only person around at the time
So I'd yell at God.
You can't really throw stuff at God but I'd try.
Luckily with that kind of stuff
I think God loves us enough that He can take that
I wanna say I wish we had hours to cover this
because it's hard to cover something this intense
in a short period of time.
But it sounds to me that most of the issues that we discussed
right now, including my own, is a sense of unfairness.
It's a sense of: ' Somehow, life has been unfair to me. '
And most of the time, it has.
Most of the time it's not ok to be abused
it's not ok to be abandoned, or adopted or feel rejection
from family members or to even perceive that that's the issue.
And so anger just develops.
But what I do know, more than I know anything else,
is that we can't figure it out on our own and it's in the Bible
It's in the Bible how to deal with it,
there's ways to deal with it,
there's people that can teach us to deal with it,
and most of all, God can teach us.
Which I have to lean on sometimes.
Sometimes I have to just get on my knees and say:
' You know what? I wanna hurt this person. '
' God, please help me! '
So, please, take it to God.
Open your Bible and figure out how to deal with this.
Thank you for joining us on "Teen Pathways"
See you next time!